In the next few weeks I may not be seeming to be my normal self.
I don't say goodbye well.
When it comes to packing up I will find any and every excuse to not do it. I will put it off and wait until I am a few hours from leaving to pack. Understand that it's hard for me to leave.
I haven't been able to talk much about leaving to those I love here. I change the subject so as to not allow the liquid to pool up in my eyes. Yesterday alone I almost started crying twice. I know it's coming but I don't know how to accept it.
I'm a normal teacher and excited about summer break but at the same time I don't want to let go of my students. I want to keep on teaching them, encouraging them and being there with them. Cleaning up my classroom means I am leaving and saying goodbye. I just don't do it well.
I'm trying to be strong and brave about this but I feel the impending clouds coming. I feel the afore mentioned liquid brimming in my eyes.
I get overwhelmed easily with the task of putting most of my life into boxes, especially when I know I wont see the contents for some time (who needs to take so many books and sweaters to Cambodia?). I don't know where to start because I know that with packing there will be chaos in my room and piles of things that need to be put somewhere. Packing overwhelms me.
It's been a long time since I've had to pack everything up. I am hoping I have grown since then, at least a little bit. But in that mean time I think my roots may have grown deeper in this soil and pulling them up will be impossible. Oakhurst has been a good place, a place I love.
So to understand me know this: I need encouragement when you see me packing. I need someone to sit near by and refocus me when I put off. Help me figure out how to say goodbye.
But also know that if I step out of the room, look up and blink repeatedly, make funny jokes or want to hang out at random times it's because I'm struggling at saying goodbye.