I wanna go home.
14/1/08
Last Tuesday, the day after getting back from vacation in Cameroon, it was morning and I found myself sitting in the back room of the American house alone and quietly crying to myself so not to be heard by others. I wanted to go home. I wanted to pack my bags and go home to America. I never get homesick, never want to give up and never cry to go home; but I was. I was deep in the pit of despair. I felt so alone and felt as if I had control over NOTHING in my life. I didn’t feel connected at the moment to any of my other SM family, to work at the hospital, to life in Africa. It was awful. After falling over on the bed I was sitting on I curled up and slept. I awoke to feeling no better only groggy and as if I was alone in the world. I decided to text Andrea that evening and have her call me because I new she had a calling card to call me with.
I was walking home from meeting Clarice as she walked home with all the merchandise the famil sells in the market, when Andrea called. It was so nice to hear the outside world. I had begun to think that the trip to Cameroon had been to similar to the world I once knew but I was glad to be back with my famil and talking to Andrea was good. I liked being able to hear a familiar voice from America. After our conversation and prayer while I was still walking around our field in front of our compound with Mowgli at my feet I was reminded by Andrea that I am supposed to be here and its okay to wait for God to show me what to do next. I looked up at the constellation Orion and prayed silently that things could change and I told Andrea that I’d prayer for her whenever I saw Orion and she said she’d do the same for me.
Wednesday morning didn’t offer much change, I still wanted to go home and after giving the TB meds I left to go check my email and use my computer time to upload my new cd’s I got for Christmas. Before I checked my email I watched a home video that Aunt Jo sent me. It was of my family back home acting as goofy as ever. It was just like I was there. “Oh, I wanna go home”, I thought to myself yet again for the millionth time. Then I checked my email. I had a lot of emails since it was the first I’d checked it since Cameroon. But it was the ones that were sent the day before that got to me, but not in a way of wanting to go home. They were emails of love, prayers and support. Support for me and prayers for the darkness that had come over me. I was reminded of how God wanted me to be here, how a friend who had been here understood where I was coming from. Then that same friend pledged to pray for me every day until I came home. My cousin emailed me and reminded me of what I do and can offer the hospital. –Love, I felt love pouring out of the computer. The desire to go home was diminishing but I still felt aimless and alone in that fact. Then in my worship, which I had started having again, I read out of a book called Waiting on God, about the beauty of what God has planned if we can only wait for Him.
On Thursday I got tested for malaria and giardia and sat alone and didn’t move much. I found out I had malaria, .10% higher than before which didn’t help my spirit because with malaria you blood count is lowered so my energy was depleted, just one more thing pulling me down. That evening after days of self imposed solitude I started to emerge and talked to Liz, thank God for a kindred spirit, and she also helped me realize that I do make a difference and what we’re all really here for is to please God not man (including myself). Over the weekend I didn’t’ move much because of exhaustion but I started to think less about going home, which was never truly an option for a stubborn girl like me especially when I new God wanted me here, and I started to think about all the love and prayers that are pouring out and how blessed I am. All weekend I saw it everywhere. The packages I opened from people who know and love me, emails of support and prayer, money spent call a friend in distress, the promise of packages to arrive soon and the understanding ear of an African sister SM.
I still wanna go home, but not till I’m finished waiting on God here. I know I’ll make it because I am loved by friends and more importantly God.
Thank you to those of you who responded to Andreas note or sent up a prayer for me. I know He heard and sent help because He gave me all of you.
Last Tuesday, the day after getting back from vacation in Cameroon, it was morning and I found myself sitting in the back room of the American house alone and quietly crying to myself so not to be heard by others. I wanted to go home. I wanted to pack my bags and go home to America. I never get homesick, never want to give up and never cry to go home; but I was. I was deep in the pit of despair. I felt so alone and felt as if I had control over NOTHING in my life. I didn’t feel connected at the moment to any of my other SM family, to work at the hospital, to life in Africa. It was awful. After falling over on the bed I was sitting on I curled up and slept. I awoke to feeling no better only groggy and as if I was alone in the world. I decided to text Andrea that evening and have her call me because I new she had a calling card to call me with.
I was walking home from meeting Clarice as she walked home with all the merchandise the famil sells in the market, when Andrea called. It was so nice to hear the outside world. I had begun to think that the trip to Cameroon had been to similar to the world I once knew but I was glad to be back with my famil and talking to Andrea was good. I liked being able to hear a familiar voice from America. After our conversation and prayer while I was still walking around our field in front of our compound with Mowgli at my feet I was reminded by Andrea that I am supposed to be here and its okay to wait for God to show me what to do next. I looked up at the constellation Orion and prayed silently that things could change and I told Andrea that I’d prayer for her whenever I saw Orion and she said she’d do the same for me.
Wednesday morning didn’t offer much change, I still wanted to go home and after giving the TB meds I left to go check my email and use my computer time to upload my new cd’s I got for Christmas. Before I checked my email I watched a home video that Aunt Jo sent me. It was of my family back home acting as goofy as ever. It was just like I was there. “Oh, I wanna go home”, I thought to myself yet again for the millionth time. Then I checked my email. I had a lot of emails since it was the first I’d checked it since Cameroon. But it was the ones that were sent the day before that got to me, but not in a way of wanting to go home. They were emails of love, prayers and support. Support for me and prayers for the darkness that had come over me. I was reminded of how God wanted me to be here, how a friend who had been here understood where I was coming from. Then that same friend pledged to pray for me every day until I came home. My cousin emailed me and reminded me of what I do and can offer the hospital. –Love, I felt love pouring out of the computer. The desire to go home was diminishing but I still felt aimless and alone in that fact. Then in my worship, which I had started having again, I read out of a book called Waiting on God, about the beauty of what God has planned if we can only wait for Him.
On Thursday I got tested for malaria and giardia and sat alone and didn’t move much. I found out I had malaria, .10% higher than before which didn’t help my spirit because with malaria you blood count is lowered so my energy was depleted, just one more thing pulling me down. That evening after days of self imposed solitude I started to emerge and talked to Liz, thank God for a kindred spirit, and she also helped me realize that I do make a difference and what we’re all really here for is to please God not man (including myself). Over the weekend I didn’t’ move much because of exhaustion but I started to think less about going home, which was never truly an option for a stubborn girl like me especially when I new God wanted me here, and I started to think about all the love and prayers that are pouring out and how blessed I am. All weekend I saw it everywhere. The packages I opened from people who know and love me, emails of support and prayer, money spent call a friend in distress, the promise of packages to arrive soon and the understanding ear of an African sister SM.
I still wanna go home, but not till I’m finished waiting on God here. I know I’ll make it because I am loved by friends and more importantly God.
Thank you to those of you who responded to Andreas note or sent up a prayer for me. I know He heard and sent help because He gave me all of you.
Comments
-Jed [crazy accent used but not written]