Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Death

King Brownie had baby bunnies this weekend and on Monday.

Today I was trying to feed one with a bottle and kitten milk because I knew it wasn't nursing. It died in my hands. The hard part was I knew it was dying because it's not a new process to me, the gasping, the slowing down, the coldness and the last struggle for life. Nothing new to my heart or my eyes.

I feel like a bit of me is dying right now.

I really want these bunnies to live so the students can watch them grow and be amazed at God's goodness, but they are dying because I can't do anything else to help them along.

I really want to run all the time but am dying because of so many meetings in the evening when I can run.

I really want to be a good teacher but am dying trying to figure out how to put so many things together.

I want to be financially good but am dying because each day that passes the interest on my loans adds up.

I hate watching with that helpless feeling that there is nothing more I can do, nothing I can change and that things will never get better. I stood by the bed of patience watching them struggle for breath holding my own in prayers that they would pull through. So many wants but no control or choice but to continue on, picking my fighting battles for ones that I can win.

I don't know if death will come to any more bunnies, I fear that it will before the week is out.
I don't know if I'll get back into my running schedule, I fear that I won't before Thanksgiving.
I don't know if I'll be able to get ahead in my lesson plans, but I fear I'll always live day to day.
I don't know if I'll ever pay of my loans, I fear that they will always be one step ahead.

I have nothing more to say, I can't find the words to leave this in a good note, so I won't fake it tonight.
For tonight as I look at death, I'll be open and honest. It's now or never.

7 comments:

Andrea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andrea said...

I'm sorry, friend. I know the resurrection will come, and I will pray it will be soon. In the meantime, courage to you.

chelsea said...

Days like these....suck. I would so eat an otter pop with you right now

Anonymous said...

It is extremely hard to get baby bunnies to live. I did it once with canned evaporated milk (half and half with water), heated, fed every few hours 2, 3, etc. as they survive. Some made it (course that was a while back and maybe the kitten milk is better=you could phone a vet).
Teaching life is fun; teaching death is hard, but also sometimes necessary. God cries over bunnies, too!
As for lesson plans, yeah, ahead is good, but almost impossible at the beginning. Don't worry. There are advantages in a day to day, or week to week, (as long as the stuff gets covered eventually in the year) because you can adapt it faster or slower as you see the kids needing to progress. Lots of people out here are feeling the same as you=overwhelmed. You are NOT alone!
Money= just keep praying. God knows how to stretch a dollar for those being faithful to him. He'll bless and help you catch up. Faith. As for running, make some time, even if it is less, cuz it is vital to your health and happiness. Run a tiny bit, and let it add up. A block, 10 min., even around the playground with the kids a couple of times a break! Some is better than none!
Praying for you.Hang in there.

Sarah said...

Sometimes those feelings of helplessness are good for me to get a glimpse of the way many of the people in the world live and probably feel. We have so many opportunities and choices here that it is hard when some things can't be controlled, but I think of our friends in Africa who do the same thing day after day, surviving barely and never getting ahead. And they don't have a choice or opportunity out of it. Yet joy can still be found in monotony and less-than-ideal situations. And it helps me to learn not to be a control-freak :) and trust God with my future.
Love you! And I have no doubt that God will bless you and your students this year, just as He has done every other place you have been!

life happens said...

"you won't, until you choose to."
(except the bunny thing... sorry!)

Anonymous said...

Making lesson plans WILL speed up. Trust me. The first day of school-Monday took me a whole day-Sunday. Obviously Tuesday's lesson plan didn't take a whole day-I only had Monday late afternoon and evening. For me I used folders one for each day of the week. I paper clipped all first grades copied work pages together, then all second, then all third and then all fourth. Will keep praying for you and your kids. DO you have the expectations for each grade level yet?
Marilee