King Brownie had baby bunnies this weekend and on Monday.
Today I was trying to feed one with a bottle and kitten milk because I knew it wasn't nursing. It died in my hands. The hard part was I knew it was dying because it's not a new process to me, the gasping, the slowing down, the coldness and the last struggle for life. Nothing new to my heart or my eyes.
I feel like a bit of me is dying right now.
I really want these bunnies to live so the students can watch them grow and be amazed at God's goodness, but they are dying because I can't do anything else to help them along.
I really want to run all the time but am dying because of so many meetings in the evening when I can run.
I really want to be a good teacher but am dying trying to figure out how to put so many things together.
I want to be financially good but am dying because each day that passes the interest on my loans adds up.
I hate watching with that helpless feeling that there is nothing more I can do, nothing I can change and that things will never get better. I stood by the bed of patience watching them struggle for breath holding my own in prayers that they would pull through. So many wants but no control or choice but to continue on, picking my fighting battles for ones that I can win.
I don't know if death will come to any more bunnies, I fear that it will before the week is out.
I don't know if I'll get back into my running schedule, I fear that I won't before Thanksgiving.
I don't know if I'll be able to get ahead in my lesson plans, but I fear I'll always live day to day.
I don't know if I'll ever pay of my loans, I fear that they will always be one step ahead.
I have nothing more to say, I can't find the words to leave this in a good note, so I won't fake it tonight.
For tonight as I look at death, I'll be open and honest. It's now or never.