Part of Grief.

 Tonight is the first night since 20 March 2020 that I am sitting in my own living room, in my own apartment. 

I don't want to ever speak lightly of the difficult lessons learned in the last 16 months. I want to honor the struggles and pain. The loss was more than I have ever had before. I normally prefer to skip over the hard painful parts of memories but tonight I think it is okay to acknowledge them.

I’m trying to allow the grief and loss to air so that I can appreciate what I have right now even more. 

I'm working at my Alma mater, Southern Adventist University, a place that I credit with guiding me to become who I am--mainly due to incredible staff and faculty. I pray I can be the same to a student. 

I have a part-time job creating Vision Trips for student's lives to be changed, just like mine was on my first trip to NYC in March 2002. 

I am enrolled in a grad program learning how to continue doing what I love better, international community development. 

I can do my thesis research at my job at Southern, using it to make the Vision Trip experiences even more meaningful.

I have a second part-time job as Children's Ministry Coordinator at The Well. A church where I instantly felt a part of the community on my first Sabbath. Now I have the opportunity to mister to with friends and their beautiful little children. 

I have stumbled into a world that is full of friends from all parts of my life--all the summer camps, jobs, university classes, and more. 

I am so grateful for all that God has provided for me here, apartment, furniture, household stuff. 

I still need honor all that I have lost in the last 16 months.

I miss morning worship with my Khmer/Australian family. Making sure Zoom is set up for our 5 locations to zoom in (we were using it long before it was 'cool').

I miss joining my Khmer brothers and sisters downstairs at work for lunch while I try to make B. Sopal laugh (honestly it was never very hard. haha). 

I miss picking up the bright-eyed and nervous service trip participants from the airport and tossing them into a tuk-tuk for their first experience of Phnom Penh. 

I miss Pasta Night with the volunteers at my apartment. 

I miss all of the people that made my community- my coffee friend, veggie dealers, Yay Chek (the banana grandma), my neighbor friend who ALWAYS waved as I went to work, and so, so, so many more people. 

I think I am now able to start the grieving process. 

Cambodia family-I am so sorry I had to leave. It was not how I imagined my leaving to happen. I will never forget the pain of that Monday morning when I stood before you and said I was getting on a plane in an hour to leave. It was a terrible way to find out and It hurts my heart to think about it. 

I am incredibly grateful for the gift I was given of living with and among you for almost 4 years. The time was not long enough but I am grateful for what it was.