I lied.

I've been thinking about this for over a week now.

I lied.

I didn't tell a falsehood, so to speak, it wasn't a 'story' that I made up to get out of trouble.

It isn't an incriminating lie.

I lied though.

What is the lie?

The lie is me.

It is me hiding behind a mask.

I've always been loud and proud about the fact that I don't hide my emotions. I am open and honest with what I feel. Which is true, but not really. I might be open with the emotions, only they are the emotions I choose to be open with. I don't always tell what I am thinking. No way. I definitely don't always show what I truly feel. I don't tell what I have going on inside and I don't let others in on the inside scoop either.

I realized this recently. I don't know what I will do with this realization.

I don't think I will change?

Is it fear of rejections?

Is it fear of pain?

Is it fear?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Winter is a winner.

Winter came down to our home one night

Quietly pirouetting in on silvery-toed slippers of snow,

And we, we were children once again.

~Bill Morgan, Jr.

The top 100.

Snow

A stable job

Family

Nature/Yosemite

Colour

Memories

Friends-near and far

Sledding

Laughter

Hope/promise of a future with God

Dirt bikes

Playing with the boys

The God connection-having friends world wide

Skype

Learning new things

Rachel V.

Andreak.

Memories of my Grandma

Tall socks

Books

French

Spanish

Rosetta Stone

Cameras

Costumes

Swahili

Camp (Summer & Winter)

Vegan food

Sneaky vegan food

Paulette and her nice teaching skills

Candles

Scarves

Mittens

Tea

Texas pride

Heaven

Giant Down Blankets

Music

Photos

Trips

Friends visiting

Psalms

Love

Hope of Love

Sweaters

Christmas

Snow (again :)

Choices

Flowers

Hot Tubs

Home-made Pop-tarts

Cooking with friends

Fatty Mariposa Trees

Slippers

Diversity

Camping out

Camp fires

Umachas to sleep in at Indian Camp

Contentedness

Trains

Stick-shift automobiles

Games with family and friends

Uno

Battleship

Sunlight

Moonlight

Night hikes

Snow paths

Stars

Orion

Pleides

Dresses

North Face gear

Smartwool

Boots

Beaches

No electricity

Mi Hermano

Dancing

Butterflies

Real giggles

Narnia books

Reading by a fire

A real kitchen

A real living room

A place to sleep (my own square)

Moon shoes -the kind with the giant rubber bands

Rock climbing

Wild bears

Hiking

Great Adventures

Ghost Towns

Soup

Thanksgiving

What would you add?

El Dia de Action de Gracias.

The day of action of thanks.

I like the way it goes in Spanish.

I have my personal traditions of writing my list of 100 things I am thankful for. It all started when I was living in Honduras. I wanted to share Thanksgiving with my German friends, so after the meal that the Hogar made for the Americans and the rest of the home, the 6 of us SMs went and sat around and shared our lists of at least 10 things. Since then it has been a tradition! I've spent Thanksgiving in many different place with many different people but I'm always thankful for so much. Here is my list from last year, 2009. I have lists that go back to Honduras in 2003 but not with me. I just love taking some time to think about what I am thankful for. It's important.

Also this year I was thinking back to where I was for the last few years at Thanksgiving time, here are a few stories from last year and when I was in Tchad. So many stories and so many things to be thankful for. We really are blessed.

I know it's hard to be away from home and in a strange place for Thanksgiving, but think of the gift you can give someone if you share with them the beauty of stopping and being thankful for what you have and where you are. It really can be a wonderful thing.

I hope you can make your list and share it too.

Guns, Liz and Snow.

Awhile ago Liz came up for a visit. Jerrod and Anthony said they would take us shooting out in the backwoods, so we went into the Sierra National Forest and played in the snow. It was a fun adventure and the woods are simply beautiful. Since words are cheap I'll just post a few pictures from Liz.

Yes I have a gun in my back pocket.

Liz shows a little fear, but I show confidence.

After the evening adventure, we pause for a moment to . . . show our best side.

A magical place, a magical sunset, and a magical friend.

Frozen atmospheric water vapor!

Taken on Tioga pass.

Snow, snow, snow!!!

Snow, snow, snow!

The holiday season can start now!

The sledding season can start now!

Snow!

I love the look of white covering everything.

I love the crunch of it under my feet.

I love the way they flutter to the ground, cover my hair, tickle my eyelashes.

I love snow.

I'm from Texas, we didn't have things like this when I was a kid.

So give me a break and send in the snow!

On top of this mountain across from my house in Norway.

Saturday night stories.

Anthony Handal

met

The Faculty.

Then Anthony announced, "I have rabies!!!!!"

The Faculty responded unanimously, "We will be your loyal subjects".

Then they danced a jig at the barn party.

So much time spent well.

Oh boy.

What a weekend! Liz came up to Yosemite to visit, Eunice and Ali B came to visit and Paster Don came to visit. I like it when people come and find rest here.

As I knew would happen my weekend with Liz consisted of many good things. Reminiscing about Tchad, baking, from the heart conversations, insight from God and of course laughter.

We baked apple muffins, Friday, and a vegan quiche, Sabbath. Both of which turned out yummy. (did you expect anything but yummy?) Liz is my kitchen inspiration. She always knows what to do for a substitution or to make something better or even just random recipes off the top of her head.

We took a long walk to the library to return my books, climbed up the Chillinaunadkvionsdov falls on a grand adventure. Jumped from rock to rock, shimmed up cracks between rocks and enjoyed the overall beauty of my little Wawona vally. We forged a swollen south fork of the Merced balancing precariously on the edge of rocks. Stepping unknown onto a rock covered in ice trying to keep balance and not plummet into the cold river. We walked the entire camp on a tour, trapeasing along the same trails we take the campers on as we journey up to dare base and we rested in the solitude of the Cathedral.

We sang everyones favorite hymns accapella friday night at worship at Paulette's house. Encouraged each other with ways God has been working in our lives recently. Liz and I sang songs for 'church' with Jerrod and listened to a sermon.

We journeyed to the backcountry with Anthony, Jerrod, Doug and the red tacoma. We shot a few rounds of guns. Enjoyed deep snow in the mountains, laughed until our sides hurt because of the wittiness of the people and had tears on my face from the laughter, but only on my face.

Worshiped God as the red sky reminded us of His love. Sang hymns on top of the mountain to close the Sabbath and embraced the task of living each day fully.

Bounced and jostled and exhausted arrived in time to eat and play games with Eunice and Ali B and the rest. Laughed again until our sides hurt and tears came out of our eyes.

Ended the time by gazing at the stars. They are such beautiful reminders of where we are and where I want to go.

I hope to duplicate this weekend frequently. I plan on tucking away this feeling and remembering it later. I hope to always love so freely and have such good people to give the love to.

Thanks for the great weekend friends!

Letting Go.

Why is there fear in the letting go?

Am I afraid of the lack of control?

That's it, I have to do this.

I have to let go.

No more plans for my future,

No more pleas for my way,

I want to let go and live in today.

The truth brings hurt,

She causes me pain.

She doesn't match up with my 'dreams'

I kept waiting for the wake up jolt.

The wake up came and

Stabbed me with pain.

I'm letting go and living in today.

No more plans for my future,

No more pleas for my way,

I have to let go and live in today.

God now has free reign of my plans.

I won't be the back seat driver,

The one who makes the calls.

It's not in my hands anymore.

I've let go.

Revisiting secret places in the heart.

Emily is in Tchad and she finally posted something.

I'll be honest when I was reading it my heart started racing and I was instantly transported there.

I know what it's like to return to a place like that. Six months after I left the Hogar de Ninos in Honduras I found myself on a plane going back to visit for three weeks. There really is nothing better than going 'home' to a place you had thought you would never see again. I remember the feelings of wanting to jump off of the plane and run through the airport to find my friends. Then once I was on the REACH bus headed to el Hogar, I remember talking the WHOLE 2 hours with one of the girls from the home, the excitement was oozing out of me, and once the bus pulled into the gate of the hogar I ran out and up the hill into the arms of all the beautiful children. The feeling was amazing. Something akin to what I think heaven will be like. It was magnificent to touch and talk to all the kids again, to see their faces, when 6 months previous I was certain that I would never see them again. I will hold tight to that feeling, that sensation, of love forever.

Sometimes when I can't sleep or I need to distract myself from my thoughts I'll imagine what it would be like to go back to Tchad and visit my family.

I imagine myself driving on the main road that goes straight to my hut, the last time I was on that road I was waving goodbye to my African family with tears in my eyes, in the future I imagine myself begging the bus driver to stop and drop my stuff off on the side of that brown, dusty dirt road. Then I imagine running to the right, straight towards my hut, down the road past the pink house all the way to my families compound.

the main road is on the left, the path by the 'fence' is what goes to my family's compound. The clump of green trees on the bottom right is the compound.

This is a video of my court yard and some of my family.

I imagine Mowgli, my dog, running out to me and recognizing me and then all the kids and the neighbor kids running out and yelling, "Sonya, la pia, la pia"and "Nasara! Nasara". Just like they used to do everyday when I came home. Then I will run to them all and I will start talking a thousand words at a time to them. I imagine all the words getting mixed up on my tongue and coming out in French, Spanish and English, just because my heart will be pounding in my chest and my brain will be in overdrive. Then we will all go into the compound where Mathieu and Ama will be. I will be just as excited to hug them and I imagine my eyes will react the same way they did when I left, tears will fall. Then greetings will be passed around like fried grasshoppers and excitement will be the soup de jour. We will talk the evening away and when the sun sets Ama will bring out the mats and Mathieu will bring out the cassette tape player and we will listen to Topouri music and dance under the Tchadian night sky.

I don't know if this will ever happen. And I'm not sure if I would ever go back. The reality sometimes doesn't match up with the imagination.

I don't know where I will work in the future. I don't know if I'll be in an African country, a North American state, or some other random place.

I do know that Emily is lucky to be able to visit people she loves, I wish at times I could be with her and I do know that she needs prayer because Bere, Tchad is a battlefield for souls and she is working for Christ.

Am I crazy? I might just be. . .

Sometimes I'm just happy.

For no real reason.

I don't know where I'll be in a year, I'm not in love, the work day starts early, I still have lots of loans to pay, I live in a tiny square and I still have to go into the walk in freezer.

Yet I'm happy.

My heart is full and I have a song in my heart.

How is that?

How does it happen that more often than not I am simply happy? Is it a deep choice? a result of B-12? It is something complicated that I clearly don't understand.

Honest, I'm happy without a monumental reason.

I love life, I have an exciting unknown future, a job I love, fun coworkers/neighbors, I live inside a beautiful forest saturated with evidence of God's love for me and I wake up everyday.

Sometimes I think I'm on drugs or crazy.

How is it that there is so much chirpiness inside wanting to burst out of my every pore?

I must be crazy.

Does this happen to you?

Am I alone in all of this?